Facing my anger with dignity

I do believe anger, as an emotion, gets a bad rap.  Too often we're told to let it go, not let it consume us.  It's considered a "negative" emotion.  Anger can eat away and fester within us, I agree.  I also believe many of us don't deal with it and push it aside. 

I want to face my anger with dignity.  My 20-year old son cautions me against making statements like "I'm angry at nature" or "I'm angry at the ocean" saying it makes me sound irrational.  I see his point.  I also know there is anger within me and I have found myself directing it at, very specifically, the wave that caused so much damage.

When I was five, I stood at the top of the stairs and yelled what was considered a very bad word for a five-year old girl to use.  That I directed this word to my mother and her group of women friends was quite an egregious act for any daughter, much less one only five.  I believe I was sent to my room for the remainder of the day waiting for my father to come home, knowing there would be some form of punishment.  I specifically remember the waiting being much worse than the punishment itself.

The word I yelled down the stairs was "baka."  By itself it's not all that bad of a word.  It translates as  "stupid" but in certain contexts carries more weight.  In hindsight, that I was five and had the audacity and terrible manners to use this word to my mother, the ultimate in disrespecting her, was what got me in trouble.

I bring this up to say it is this word "baka" that I plan to yell at the ocean when I go back to Ofunato next week.  I mean it in the worst way possible.  I mean it with all the venom it can hold.  I am angry.  I can't simply ignore this emotion.  It's deeply rooted within me and I have yet to find a way to let it out.  After being home a month and dreaming about Iwate every night, it's clear to me I need to let go of this.  I don't know how to without letting the ocean know how much it pained me to see what it did to three hundred miles of coastline, ruining buildings, washing people away and causing so much emotional and physical damage.

Cursing at the ocean, in my book, by my definition, is not an irrational act like the one I committed when I was five.  It's a very legitimate way of letting go.  For that, I will yell it at the top of my lungs and not worry about the punishment that may follow.