Emotionally neutral: "Have you lost your temper yet?"

I suppose it would not be inaccurate to say I am very clear about the status of my emotions.  If that's a bit too cryptic for you, let me rephrase that by saying I express my feelings well.  And, clearly.  And, immediately.  Let's just say, I'm "expressive."  Don't confuse this with drama-queen or diva-ish.  That, I am not.  I'm simply clear in how I'm feeling and letting those around me know what that might be.

Which is why this whole emotional constipation is such a unique (safe word, there) phenomenon for me.  I've never had this problem before.  To be plugged and stuck and unable to articulate much of what's going on inside of me has me annoyed and flabbergasted.

This is why I decided to switch my thinking from saying "I'm emotionally" stuck to "I'm emotionally neutral."  It's crap, of course.  No, sorry.  This is spin.  I'm trying to make this phase less negative and more soft.  Emotionally neutral has a bit of a ring to it, don't you think?  At least it's not as bad as being stuck.

I was talking about this with two dear friends the other day.  I was testing the whole "emotionally neutral" concept on them knowing they would give me frank feedback, even if it was the form of a raised "did you really just say that?" eyebrow.  I will admit, there was a slight pause after I cautiously used the word "emotionally neutral" which I decided to take as a natural break in the conversation to sip my tea.  I hoped they would follow cue.

"Let me ask you this," S said.
"Okay."
"Have you lost your temper since you've been home?"

I had to think a moment.  Has anything made me really angry?  The answer was, "No."

There are two things wrong here.  One is that I had to think back to whether or not I had lost my temper.  I know the answers to all the other emotions.  Had I been happy?  Yes.  Sad?  Yes.  Confused?  Ditto.  Amazed?  Check.  Shocked?  Yes again.  Why couldn't I recall whether or not I had lost my temper?  The second thing to note is that the one of the main emotions I kept at bay in Japan is the one which I have yet to encounter here.  A true mystery here.

Then I changed my answer.
"I have been angry," I said.
"Okay, at whom?"
"Not 'at whom' as much as 'at what'."
"Go on."
"I've lost my temper at Boston drivers."  They rolled their eyes and started talking at once.

"That doesn't count," F said.
"Right.  No go," S said, too.
"I know, right?  But, I've yelled at plenty of them since I've been home."

How interesting is it that I still compartmentalize my emotions, giving credence to some and not to others.  That losing my temper to my fellow drivers doesn't truly count as a legitimate emotional outburst (and I would agree it doesn't if for no other reason it happens all the time and is most definitely deserved) is truly a self-serving way of looking at my ability to express my emotions.

So, I'm putting "emotionally neutral" to rest for awhile and going back to plugged and stuck.  It seems to fit much more appropriately, spin or no spin.