Did I fail?

I leave Tokyo today to go back up to Iwate.  I was given an extra day here which I spent mostly in the apartment I'm staying in (thanks to dear friends) doing nothing.  This is unusual for me--I never do nothing in Tokyo--but this time there was a reason.  I had one thing I wanted to do before I left Tokyo.  I wanted a meltdown.  Barring that, I would settle for a really good cry.  Neither had come as of yesterday so I stayed indoors and waited.

It didn't come.  I'm not sure what's going on.  I've certainly had teary moments.  I've certainly cried.  I've certainly choked up multiple times.  I have not cried, however, enough to feel like I let any of my pent-up emotions out in any real way. 

I tried my usual tricks.  I have several songs I listen to that always make me cry.  I listened to them, and sure enough, tears.  But then, they fizzled.  (Tears fizzle?)  I stopped crying.  Nothing else came.  I read several other documents I have stored for just such an occasion, of course, which also always make me cry.  More tears.  Which also eventually fizzle.  What's going on?  Where's all that emotion I needed to let out?  Why won't it come out?  Being verbally constipated is one thing.  (I'm having serious difficulty finding the words to describe what I see up in Iwate.  I blog about this in my other blog:  www.whereisgeorgeclooney.com.)  I'm now emotionally constipated, too?

Which also scares me a bit because while I don't know how much I have in me that I need to let out (how do I quantify emotions?) I know it's in there, in me.  One of my main goals was to release a lot of this stored-up emotional angst, these emotions I couldn't show openly until I was here in Tokyo.  My friends here would let me do this.  They would let me just sit and cry. 

My concern is I'm going to get back up there not having let this out to my satisfaction and there will be a point where I do lose it.  Crying here was meant to avoid that.  Maybe I'm still running on adrenaline?  Maybe I won't really feel like I completely let go until I'm back down for good?  Any last minute suggestions?  I have a little over four hours until I leave. 

Something personal

I'm a bit fried tonight.  I'm not exactly sure why but I'm beat.  Maybe it's the sleeping-on-concrete that's getting to me.  I'm not quite sure.

All this to say, I honestly don't have a story for you tonight from people I've spoken to recently but I do have a story from me.  It's not earth-shattering news or anything except to say I'm giving you a heads up. 

Tomorrow is my two week mark.  I've found I have a pattern in my moods and my tolerance for holding things in.  I have four days where I'm fine and then I follow that with a meltdown day.  Today is day four.  I'm scheduled for a meltdown tomorrow.

I've felt it coming on all day.  I've fought back tears multiple times and have been okay not breaking down in public.  I'm not sure I can do that tomorrow.  My heads up is essentially to say I probably won't be writing much tomorrow--I'll need another night where I walk around and cry--or I'll unload onto all of you in a way I can't predict quite yet.

I do have a story.  It's one of those moments I had to hold back and not breakdown.  There are three women from the community we've spoken to over the past several days who have offered to help with the cooking.  We will have 20 people staying in one of the new bases (which I'll move into tomorrow) and we need someone to help cook dinner.  This is meant to be a paid part-time position but these women said they would be willing to volunteer their time.  Their exact words were "we're volunteering so you can volunteer."  Hold back sob, hold back sob, hold back sob.

Then one of the women asks how we're going to bathe.  We say we aren't sure yet (buckets, probably?) as there's no shower facility in the building or hot water.  One of the women says she could offer her bath for us five nights a week.  I almost lose it.  Dirty, smelly volunteers, many of whom are foreign, walking in and out of a stranger's home five nights a week (in shifts, of course)?  This is quite an offer.  People are good.  I'm reminded of that everyday.