I have a knot in my stomach. It's that knot we all get when we're really nervous or really scared. I tell my friend Miki this and she yells into the phone "Of course you have a knot in your stomach! You're doing something really stupid and absolutely amazing." Okay. I'll accept that.
It all started with two e-mails I got first thing in the morning. One person wrote concerned I will come back with PTSD. I haven't responded yet. I honestly don't know what to say. The other was from my mother who reminded me Rikuzentakata (one of the cities I'm going to) is where the nurses and the doctors had to flee for their lives and run to higher floors in the hospital, leaving the patients downstairs to die. They couldn't save anyone without putting themselves in danger. The word is they ran up the stairs hearing the screams from those on the lower floors. Survivor guilt. These are the people I'm going to distribute medical goods to. What am I supposed to say to them?
How am I not supposed to cry when I hand out surgical masks and adult diapers? The thing is, if I do cry I will need to use tissue paper--precious tissue paper that I am taking along because they don't have toilet paper.
I couldn't sleep last night. The last time I looked at the clock it was 3:30 am. Then, and this is a minor miracle in itself, I woke up at 6:30 when my husband's alarm went off. Those of you who don't know me need to realize I am not a morning person. I am one of those hit-the-snooze-five-times person (which means I set the alarm 50 minutes before I actually have to get up). I don't do much of anything well on three hours of sleep. That's just yet another sign I'm running on pure adrenaline
Tonight I will knock myself out and hope I sleep through the night. No tea after 5pm. I also haven't had lunch. I'm honestly not hungry. I'm telling myself I have to shrink my stomach because I don't know how much food I'll have access to. The volunteer organization I'm going with feeds me 6 days a week but I haven't heard where they're getting their food from. I think by the end of May I will never want to eat another protein bar again.
On a happier note here's what was donated today:
- a check from my cousin
- two huge duffel bags and a mess of toiletries from Jill
- two more checks promised from two more aunts
- a box of new underwear, batteries, and toiletries from Richard in Alabama
- a huge allotment of protein bars and dehydrated food packages
- a sleeping mat (so I don't actually have to sleep on the floor) from Kevin
- a water sterilizer thing from Annette
And, I swear I will never take toilet paper for granted again. Ever.
No comments:
Post a Comment