Fair warning: I'm going to complain. Before you tune out I want to say something. Many of you have encouraged me to let it out. So, I am. I'm going to do that here, today. Why today? This is the part that's interesting. This is my insight from yesterday.
Tuesday being my day off I went to a local noodle shop for lunch. I was watching TV and saw some sort of half food-half entertainment show on. The point the show is trying to make was to get people to laugh, show exotic (and good) food and to have a bunch of celebrities having a good time. My insight? There are people in Japan who don't have a home to go back to but are watching shows about celebrities eating the latest Chinese-Italian fusion dish in Tokyo. There are people in Tokyo making shows about the latest Hello Kitty craze when there are those up further north who have relatives whose bodies have yet to be found. Life goes on. Yes, being here is hard. Yes, I'm pretty much always emotionally and mentally exhausted. But, this is not my pain. This is not my tragedy. I don't have to take on the pain of others especially if there's nothing I or the organization I'm with can do to help. I'm trying. God knows I'm trying. Sometimes how successful I am is simply beyond my control. Not everyone in Japan is solely focused on relief work as evident by the fact Hello Kitty and fusion restaurants are back on TV. Certainly the producers of these shows know they are going to be watched by people affected by the tsunami and earthquake. It's simply not an option to report only on the devastation. Life goes on.
Back to complaining. If you know me you know I'm quite capable of complaining about a lot of things. I prefer to call it "creative observations and responses to such" as complaining implies I'm whining. I can certainly whine, too, but when I complain, like I'm doing now, I prefer to think I'm voicing something I don't like.
In an odd way, seeing this show took the edge off my guilt. Perhaps it was this simple realization that if not all Japanese are going to try to move mountains and "do good" for their neighbors up north maybe it's okay for me to stop feeling guilty about things I can't do anything about.
It's with this in mind that I am going to complain. I need to let some things out. These complaints are NOT about the tragedy I see around me everyday but about the fact that it snowed yesterday. And that it's supposed to snow again today. I'm complaining about how cold it is at night and how my nose and the one exposed ear is always a bit on the too-cold-to-be-comfortable side. True, camping princess I am not. I simply don't do "out-doorsy" things. Having said that, it would be nice to have two kerosene stoves in this giant room with otherwise no heat, would it not?
I would like a meal someday in the near future that consists of something other than rice, bread or noodles. I feel like a giant ball of starch walking around.
I wish I had brought sunscreen. I'm getting a tan. I don't do tanning. I went looking for sunscreen yesterday but was unwilling to pay 4000 yen a bottle. I'll find something in Tokyo.
I would like to be around people whom I know. The people here are good people. I simply don't know them. This means I'm always on my best behavior (or at least am trying) and I want to be able to be myself. It's a different sort of exhausting when I can't truly be me.
I miss my husband. I miss my son. I miss talking to my nieces on the phone. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss feeling clean. I miss my washing machine. I miss bacon. I miss buying mangoes and making smoothies. I miss rolling over in bed at night and knowing my husband is there.
The unanticipated outcome from the insight at the noodle shop is that I feel much better about complaining (aka creatively expressing my feelings) and will try to share these with you every now and then. Next step is to try to find a way to laugh more. I miss feeling happy.
Okay. Off to find some breakfast. Last observation: I'm quite alright eating the grapefruit I bought yesterday if breakfast this morning is anything that resembles a bread or rice product. I also have a power bar. Chocolate for breakfast (chocolate-covered power bar!) is a good thing, right??
These complaints are trivial compared to those who have lived in a shelter for the past month but it's still okay for me to complain. The food/entertainment show allowed me to realize I'm allowed to say I don't like certain things about my life. It's also okay to have fun. That one I haven't figured out yet. First things first.
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