Did I fail?

I leave Tokyo today to go back up to Iwate.  I was given an extra day here which I spent mostly in the apartment I'm staying in (thanks to dear friends) doing nothing.  This is unusual for me--I never do nothing in Tokyo--but this time there was a reason.  I had one thing I wanted to do before I left Tokyo.  I wanted a meltdown.  Barring that, I would settle for a really good cry.  Neither had come as of yesterday so I stayed indoors and waited.

It didn't come.  I'm not sure what's going on.  I've certainly had teary moments.  I've certainly cried.  I've certainly choked up multiple times.  I have not cried, however, enough to feel like I let any of my pent-up emotions out in any real way. 

I tried my usual tricks.  I have several songs I listen to that always make me cry.  I listened to them, and sure enough, tears.  But then, they fizzled.  (Tears fizzle?)  I stopped crying.  Nothing else came.  I read several other documents I have stored for just such an occasion, of course, which also always make me cry.  More tears.  Which also eventually fizzle.  What's going on?  Where's all that emotion I needed to let out?  Why won't it come out?  Being verbally constipated is one thing.  (I'm having serious difficulty finding the words to describe what I see up in Iwate.  I blog about this in my other blog:  www.whereisgeorgeclooney.com.)  I'm now emotionally constipated, too?

Which also scares me a bit because while I don't know how much I have in me that I need to let out (how do I quantify emotions?) I know it's in there, in me.  One of my main goals was to release a lot of this stored-up emotional angst, these emotions I couldn't show openly until I was here in Tokyo.  My friends here would let me do this.  They would let me just sit and cry. 

My concern is I'm going to get back up there not having let this out to my satisfaction and there will be a point where I do lose it.  Crying here was meant to avoid that.  Maybe I'm still running on adrenaline?  Maybe I won't really feel like I completely let go until I'm back down for good?  Any last minute suggestions?  I have a little over four hours until I leave.